woMAN flu

'Ahhh I need a tissue!'
'Rub more vaseline on me.'
'It's too hot.'
'It's too cold.'
'I need a blanket.'
'I need a drink.'
'You're not rubbing the vaseline in right!'
'I'm dyyyyiiiinnnnnggggg.'

A very, very small selection of the mumblings, moans and whines I've heard over the last week. You see Bear has been ill and to be fair she has actually had an honest to god illness. Some sort of ear infection coupled with a monster snot session and a fluctuating temperature. She's lolled around on the settee, remote in hand looking all cute and dishevelled. She's also taken to walking round the house in just her pants (or to my American readers her underwear), because apparently she needs to be 'free'. She looks like some sort of hippy child and I take a certain pride in the fact that I've brought her up to be completely comfortable with her own nudity... of course if she starts leaving the house naked we'll have to have words...

Still I digress - this blog is about illness and the fact that in our all female house I have no shame in admitting that we are a complete and utter bunch of hypochondriacs. It seems to be some sort of 'general knowledge' that women bear up well under illness, they may sneeze and snuffle a bit but they get on with things. The washing still gets done and the house is still tided. The cupboards don't fall empty and they make it into work with an ironed suit and co-ordinated shoes/bag/earrings etc. Women don't get the 'MAN flu', women can take an illness on the chin and come out fighting... or so I'm told.

Well I reckon rather than 'general knowledge' this must be some sort of urban myth, either that or the female-fight-the-illness-gene has completely bypassed my offspring and I. We all get woMAN FLU, often - at least once a month or so and whether it's a cold, a cough, a headache, a few aches or even a full on virus we all have the same reaction.

1, First we'll ask each other whether we look pale. 'Mom,' Vix will say, 'Do I look pale?' Well that's almost a trick question - look at our photo here on the homepage we're all pale anyway. We all look like we've been living in the cupboard under the stairs for a decade or are secret vampires. It's genetic, none of us tan - we go out in the sun (something I should add we all avoid) and we turn lobster pink. No browned, toasty, honey looking sun kissedness for us. Still once the woMAN flu hits we'll start agreeing with each other that we look paler than usual. 'Look in the mirror mom,' Vix will say. 'I'm a shade paler than you at the moment.' 'Yes,' I'll reply. 'I can see it, you're paler than normal.' She'll then nod vigorously and decide she's suffering from some sort of rare bacterial strain of illness.

2, We'll be convinced our temperatures are outside the bounds of normality. 'I'm burning up moooommmm,' Bear will say. 'Feel me, FEEL ME!!!' I'll place a hand on her forehead and give the only response that she will accept, 'Yes there is a slight temperature.' She'll look at me both vindicated and horrified. 'I need a cold flannel mom NOWWWWWWW!' I'll nip downstairs to get it and when I come back up she'll have stripped off to her hippy state.

3, If a headache hits we'll all insist our headache is the worst one yet. 'It's like someone is banging inside my brain.' 'It's like zombies are eating me from the inside.' 'It's like I've been forced to watch celebrity big brother all day.'

4, If any of us vomit or have to errr... hit the loo for extended periods we give each other a sort of awe filled respect. Vix has got this one covered to some extent because whatever virus she picks up she vomits. Bear and I have runny noses, Vix vomits. Bear and I cough, Vix vomits. Bear and I spend a week in bed with swine flu, Vix just vomits it all out and tucks into a bacon sarnie.

5, Lastly we'll all agree that it can't possibly be a cold, no no no - nothing as minor as a simple cold could have hit us. Whatever the illness may be we all insist it is some form of horrific virus that is going to keep us bedridden for a week. 'It's just a cold,' a friend/family member/evil boss might say. I'll look at them agasp. It's never just a simple cold. If anything it would be the queen cold, the president of colds - it maybe even... the holy grail of the hypochondriac.. the actual flu!

And then there's the self diagnosis. I love the Internet but as a certified self-diagnoser it's a dangerous tool for me to have. I've diagnosed myself with diabetes, tinnitus and optical migraines to name just a few. One time I diagnosed myself as pregnant despite the fact it would have to have been an immaculate conception. I've banned the girls from self-diagnosing after the last bout of dual illness where they double googled and terrified themselves. Now only I have the secret joy that familydoctor or yourdiagnosis can bring.

What will it be like I wonder if we ever allow a man into the house of burning bras? Would he get MAN flu as often as us or as is the case with most men in our lives would he have to take the role reversal and be the stoical illness resistant one? It's an intriguing question and one I'll have to consider later... Bear's just googled 'exploding ears'... ...